


Not a Fix - (Kihyun ft. E'Dawn)

by smoshyphantrash



Series: Monsta X Imagines [16]
Category: Monsta X (Band), Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Character Death, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hallucinations, Heroin, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kihyuk if you squint, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Methamphetamine, Minor Lee Minhyuk/Yoo Kihyun, Paranoia, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 10:40:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: I told him it wasn't a fix. And even though he was convinced otherwise, I was not a fix for him.





	Not a Fix - (Kihyun ft. E'Dawn)

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS FOR WARNING. Another nightmare of mine.
> 
> Minhyuk and Kihyun are never stated to be dating, imagine what you want. There is a part two to this and it's set up with Kihyun being with Y/N. So you can imagine that storyline for yourself.

I loved that man. Really, I did. I knew I couldn't save him though. That was apparent from the beginning. I'd met him on a corner by a store. He looked like death to begin with. "Hey," he spoke up. "Y-You got anything I can have?" He asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Like... Like food? Money, water?" I asked, reaching in my purse.

"No," he said. "Speed? Ice? Benzos?" He continued as I continued to look clueless. "Drugs, damn it. Do you have any drugs?"

My mouth fell a bit as I shook my head. That's when he stood up. "No, I'm sorry, don't..." I was scared as I started to back up to get in my car.

"No," he said. "No, I don't want to hurt you. I'm not going to." I nodded softly as he attempted to walk. My heart dropped simultaneously with the man falling down. "Fuck!" He yelled. I ran to him, kneeling down to him.

I turned him over onto his back, placing my arm under his neck and my other under his knees. "Goddamn," I groaned, more in upset than disgust or strain. "When's the last time you fucking ate anything?" He weighed about as much as air.

He shook his head. "Don't remember... I ran out of food about three weeks ago." I gasped softly as I wrapped his arms around my neck. I picked him up and carried him to the back seat of my car, laying him down. "No, stop what are you doing?"

I shut the door on him and locked the door before heading to the front. Just so he didn't try to escape. "Taking care of you," I said, starting up the car. 

That night, I learned a lot about him. His name was Hyojong and he was 24 years old. He'd been addicted to drugs since his ex-boyfriend pressured him into doing such. His ex was extremely abusive as well. I promised him that the drugs weren't a fix. Between me getting him and me waking up the next day, I found him hiding in my bathroom, a razor he found in my drawer and broke open. "I-I needed something..." He said. I looked all over him and checked his skin. "I've been contemplating it, I didn't d-"

I don't know what happened to me. I just kissed him. "That's not a fix either." He nodded, handing me the razor. I flushed it before returning to him. "Detox, rehab. I'll pay for it all." Hyojong didn't know what to say. He only nodded, thanking me in that way.

My best friend, Kihyun, got him a job. Hyojong was clean for about three months at time. We dated for years. Then, he relapsed a month after his last relapse. And he hit everything too hard.

The relapse before this one had him literally screaming, shaking and crying. An awful acid trip. I had to call Kihyun and Minhyuk to help me calm him down. With me and Minhyuk holding him and whispering to him and Kihyun providing water and bread, he was able to calm down enough to go to sleep. The next day, he cried to me ashamed of himself. I told him I'd be there for him.

The final relapse was the moment I lost my patience and trust in him. "Hyojong," I said, checking around the apartment. 

He came into the living room, obviously high. He was slurring and giggling. "What's up?" He asked a bit.

I rolled my eyes. "Where's the rainy day money I had stashed in my closet?"

He chuckled. "In my body," Hyojong slurred.

I couldn't get mad now. I'd read him the riot act later. "Come," I sighed. "Let's go to bed." Hyojong submit to my control of the situation and followed me to the bedroom. As we went to bed, Hyojong took off his shirt. I climbed into bed and he immediately cuddled up to me, kissing my neck. "No." I wasn't in the mood, especially when he's high off his ass.

"C'mon," he smiled. "Lemme make it up to you." Hyojong's hands began to roam and wouldn't stop despite me pushing him off of me.

I began to struggle against him. "Hyojong," I said, pinning my knees together. "Fucking stop!" He didn't stop.

The next thing I knew, the birds were chirping and I hadn't slept at all. I was up all night crying. I couldn't even move.  He really did it. He hit the point where I couldn't forgive his excursions in drug relapses. Where I couldn't forgive him for anything I hadn't already forgiven him for. I jumped as Hyojong stirred, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Good morning, sweetheart," he smiled, kissing my neck.

I shook my head, trying to get out of his grasp. "No, Hyojong, stop it... Let go of me." I mumbled. When he didn't hear me and the tears began to fall again, I raised my voice a little more. "Don't touch me!" 

Hyojong stilled, backing away. "Y/N, look at me." I shook my head, not wanting to see his face. It probably looked nice and rejuvenated with a hint of a relapse fog. All I would see is the shadow of a man stoned out of his fucking mind. "Baby, what's wrong? Are you okay?" He didn't fucking remember. Of course he wouldn't fucking remember. Hyojong went back to holding me, trying to ease the anxiety. "Shh, baby, it's me..." He whispered.

I shook my head faster, crying harder. "That's just it!" I screamed. "Don't fucking touch me, Hyojong get the fuck off of me!" My screaming finally scared him off of me. Shortly after, our front door was being knocked on.

As I grabbed the blankets and held myself tightly, I watched as Minhyuk and Kihyun rushed into the room. "Y/N?" Kihyun spoke softly, sitting next to me. I allowed him to hold me a little bit. He just did everything he normally did to calm someone's anxiety. "Y/N, honey, what's wrong?" I shook my head, hiding in his stomach. "Okay, okay..." He just continued to run his fingers through my hair.

"I just woke up and I went to cuddle her and this happened," Hyojong said. I looked up to look at Minhyuk. He was smart. He could always put a metaphorical two and two together.

Minhyuk glanced over me before looking at Hyojong. "What did you two do last night?" He asked.

Hyojong looked at me. "We had sex, what we normally do?"

Minhyuk nodded, looking at Hyojong's face. "What did you hit and how hard did you hit it? Because it's clear you don't remember." Hyojong looked at me, confused. I nodded toward Minhyuk, he was right.

"I was high?" Hyojong asked. 

I sat up, clutching the comforter against me. "Oh my fucking God," I cried. "Yes! Okay? You stole my motherfucking money and you got high with it goddamn it!" I screamed at him causing Kihyun to grab me cautiously. "I took you to bed. I forgave you quickly. Just gotta get started on the detox again. That's what I thought and then you lost control over yourself and gained control over me."

Hyojong's eyes welled up with tears. "No," he said. "No, no! I-I didn't do that. I couldn't have... Y/N, oh my God." He began freaking out, bawling his eyes out as he leaned against the wall.

I didn't feel guilty, I always had pity on him though. I know he's not evil and he wasn't himself. But I still can't forgive him. "This is the point of no return, Hyojong. I'll help you get clean again, but then that's it. I won't destroy myself for you to get better. I didn't think I ever would be, and yet here we are." Hyojong whimpered, the reality of what he'd done that cost him me setting him.

"Come on, let's go over to my apartment," Minhyuk said. He currently hated him. We all did. But he wasn't going to leave him unattended.

After the front door closed, Kihyun sighed softly. "Can I hold you?" He asked. I nodded a bit, laying back down into his chest. "We're gonna get you up and cleaned up and get you something to eat soon okay?" I shook my head.

"I don't want to," I said. Kihyun sighed, not annoyed but more... I don't know. He didn't force me to though and I felt like I had some control again. I couldn't control Hyojong's relapses and I couldn't control last night. But I could control laying on Kihyun's chest, listening to his still breathing to calm me down.

A few weeks later, Hyojong came back, I couldn't really say much to him. We were co-existing in an area. "Y/N?" Hyojong said, coming into the living room from the kitchen. "I'm uh... I'm gonna make food. Do you maybe want some?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders. "Will you at least eat a few pieces of fruit? An apple, an orange, some pomegranate?"

I looked up at him, slowly. "I'll eat some pomegranate. But anything you make that isn't fruit is going to make me hurl." He nodded before retreating back to the kitchen. My phone buzzed as I turned on something on Netflix. It was my period tracker notification. It read, "Did you forget to track? You're a week late!" I unlocked my phone and checked the calendar. I really was a week late. It didn't even occur to me. 

I got up, grabbing my coat. "Y/N, where are you going?" Hyojong asked 

I looked at him, his face fell with sadness. He thought I was absolutely leaving him. "I'm just going down to the cornerstone, okay?" I said softly, looking at the fear in his eyes. I still had a lot of pity for him. Hyojong nodded, returning to cooking.

As I left, I realized I didn't necessarily want to walk. So I walked across the hall and knocked softly. Minhyuk opened the door. "What's up?" Minhyuk asked, standing in the doorway.

"Is Kihyun busy?" I asked. He shook his head pointing toward his room.

I walked into his room and.caught me at the perfect moment. "Hey, Y/N," Kihyun said fixing his desk up. When I didn't immediately reply, he looked up at me. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" He asked.

I shook my head not trying to explain. "Can you take me down to.the corner store? I don't want to walk." Kihyun nodded, grabbing his keys.

Thirty minutes later I found myself in Kihyun and.Minhyuk's bathroom, anxiety rushing through my veins. Kihyun stood in front of me as I cried, sitting on the counter. "I'll check. You don't have to, Y/N," Kihyun whispered, carefully rubbing my back. I nodded, letting him check. 

He went silent for a second as he read. "Well," I sniffled. "What does it say?" Kihyun sighed softly.

He looked up at me. "It reads positive," Kihyun said. I felt everything around me crash and burn.

I told Kihyun to keep the test for me. I went back across the hall and opened the door to see Hyojong crying on the living room floor. "Please," he whimpered. "I-I don't know if you can hear me. Or if you do hear me and just decided I'm too fucked up to be listened to... But I really love this girl. I hurt her so bad though and I can't fix that. Please give me something to hold onto here. I'm trying to hold onto her but eventually she'll let go. They always do." I sighed softly, shutting the door so he noticed me. "H-How long have you been standin-"

I cut him off. "Long enough to know you're praying to anyone who will listen, asking for me to stay." I walked into the living room and sat with him.

"This really assholish of me," Hyojong sighed. "I don't want to lose you. I really don't. I love you so much, and I hate myself for what I did and you'll never be the same and it's my fault and you shouldn't stay with me, no matter how much I want you to. But... You've helped me more than you can imagine, Y/N. I'm still fucked up in some places but you've given your everything to fix me. And I've been shitty to you. You can have my next paychecks, it'll be able to go back to the money I stole..." He was so adament and remorseful and it broke my heart to have to do this.

I leaned in and kissed him softly. "I have given you my all. And I've got pretty much nothing left to give. Except this apartment." I stood up, going to the closet. I had a bag packed. "I'm going to go stay somewhere else for a little bit okay? Just to... Breathe." Hyojong looked at me and I swear to God I took the life out of his eyes. "Hyojong, I will be back, okay?" I opened the front door and Hyojong shook his head. I looked outside and waved my hand. Kihyun opened the door, discreetly taking my bag down to his car, Minhyuk coming to help me with Hyojong.

Minhyuk walked to where Hyojong was and I followed him. "No!" He cried. "No, please. I know I don't deserve you but I will never l know if you come back or not. I won't survive. I'm a wreck without you. I'm not trying to hurt you, I swear, just please..." His heart shattered. Minhyuk grabbed onto Hyojong before he broke down completely. Hyojong was known to hit himself or hurt himself during a breakdown, trying to let out all of his emotions on the closest thing to him. 

I sighed, kneeling next to him, whispering in his ear. "It's only a week, okay?"

Hyojong shook his head, whining through tears. "Monsters," he said. "They'll come for me, Y/N, please." He was shaking violently and hyperventilating as he attempted to pull at his hair.

I shushed him, wiping his face. "Minhyuk will be here with you every day. Minhyuk won't let the monsters get you, isn't that right, Minhyuk?" He nodded, running a hand through Hyojong's hair softly. I held onto Hyojong's waist as I sang him one of his favorite lullabies. His relapses, breakdowns and hallucinations were debilitating. The only way to get him to sleep was to sing a lullaby. They weren't really traditional lullabies, just It's Time by Imagine Dragons, Hey Ho by the Lumineers or Don't You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia in soft tones. Sometimes a mix of the three. The simple phrases triggered relaxation in him. It's time to begin, isn't it? I belong with you, you belong with me, my sweetheart. Don't you worry, don't you worry child. See, Heaven's got a plan for you. They all relaxed him enough to sleep. Once I got him to sleep, it was time for Kihyun to take me away.

We stayed at a hotel and Kihyun was helping me figure out my plans. How I was going to tell Hyojong. Whether or not I'd keep the baby or if I'd even give birth. Hyojong and I had talked about kids before. It was something we both wanted. The way it was conceived was the part that was harmful. A few days later, I was ready to tell Hyojong. "Uhm, Y/N?" Kihyun said, coming into the hotel bedroom. 

I was getting ready for bed, simultaneously eating beef and rice with soy sauce and cream cheese rangoons. "What's up?" I asked.

"Can you throw on some sweatpants for me?" He asked, grabbing his keys and his wallet.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why? It's damn near 2 AM, where would we be going?"

Kihyun looked at me. "Y/N," Kihyun said sternly.

My face fell. "What's wrong with him?" I asked. "High again? Drunk?" His face told me everything he wasn't telling me. "Oh my God... How?" I asked.

"A mix of overdosing and self harm," Kihyun finally admitted. "Minhyuk went to go pick up food and there was a delay that he wasn't told about so he was alone for a good hour and a half. He came back to Hyojong outside on the balcony, slung over the rail. My guess is he couldn't breathe and was so confused he tried to get some fresh air.

I nodded, standing up to get dressed. We headed out to the hospital and Kihyun let me out in front so I could check in. Minhyuk was already waiting for me. "He's not doing so good. He's in critical condition, treading the line. They keep having to revive him. When I got to him, not only were his arms fucked, he was pale and his lips were blue. He stopped breathing a while before I came." It was all too much. It hurt. He put himself through hell.

Minhyuk took me up to Hyojong's room and the sight was awful. His skin was a pale grey, like he'd already died a while ago. His arms were bandaged tightly, but you could obviously see how deeply slit they were. "Hyojong?" I mumbled. "It's me, it's Y/N. I'm here, baby. I told you I'd come back. But you gotta come back to me..." After a while, I began singing Hey Ho before a doctor came in to discuss his extraordinary measures. 

"He's currently in a a coma, but it's bordering on brain dead. He's got really low brain activity," the doctor explained. "In case he loses all brain activity, would you like for us to put him on life support?" I nodded quickly. "Okay. For how long?"

I thought for a while before.speaking. "C-Can I have him one life support for at least nine months? At most, a year?" His doctor nodded. "I'm... I'm pregnant. And if there's any chance be could wake up, I want him there." His doctor went on and on through everything.

Day after day, I came back, speaking to Hyojong, telling him about the baby. I told him about the first ultrasound, every weird craving, every pound gained. I told him that we had a beautiful baby girl on the way. He always wanted a daughter. So he could spoil the fuck out of her and shelter her from people like the people who fucked him over. When I had the baby, I had Kihyun by my side, making sure I had someone, even if it wasn't Hyojong.

I was ecstatic to have Sophia Dawn Kim be born into this world. But, I was still very sad. Three more months. Hyojong could have a miracle happen, like I'd been praying for, or he'd lose the fight. We only had three more months. 

I had to go home and be with Sophia more than I could be with Hyojong, obviously. But at least for a few hours a day, I'd bring Sophia around him. Nothing motivated his brain enough to come back to me. 

As the time approached, Kihyun, Minhyuk, Sophia and I gathered around Hyojong to say goodbye. The machine was turned off, the breathing tube removed. Hyojong choked as a reflex and let out a hoarse shaky breath. He began wheezing, only as a involuntary reaction. I sat next to him, holding Sophia in my arms as I laid my head on his shoulder. I sniffled a bit.as.I began to sing. "Don't you worry, don't you worry child... S-See..." The tears began to pour.

"See, Heaven's got a plan for you," Kihyun sang as he walked over and held me close.

Minhyuk walked over as well, singing too. "Don't you worry, don't you worry now. Hey..." 

We all, simultaneously thought of the next verse. "There was a time, I met a guy of a different kind. We ruled the world, thought I'll never lose him out of sight. We were so young, I think of him now and then. I still hear the songs, reminding me of a friend." I had to stop. I just laid my head down on Hyojong, crying my eyes out as Kihyun took Sophia from me. 

Even though I never expected to and even though Hyojong was.convinced of the opposite, I was not a fix for him.


End file.
